Three years after her divorce, Karen, a vivacious 56-year-old, is happier than she’s ever been. However, the decision to walk away from her marriage of nearly 30 years was not an easy one. A stay at home mother of four children, she describes a painful period of self-reflection where she vacillated back and forth between leaving her ex or staying for the sake of her children. “My husband and I had completely grown apart and were practically living separate lives. I eventually had to admit to myself that we had nothing in common accept our children, and they were older and moving on. The glue that had held us together had become unstuck.”

These days a growing number of women in mid-life are taking stock of their relationships and choosing to leave their marriages. They are gathering strength and courage and divorcing in record numbers. According to analysis of census data by sociologists out of Bowling Green State University, for the present generation of empty nesters, divorce is on the rise. What’s more, divorce has doubled over the past two decades among people 50 and older. Coined, “gray divorce”, evidentially baby boomers are bucking the national trend of lower divorce rates and exiting marriages at a rate of one in four (in 1990 only one in 10 people over 50 got divorced). Additionally, a 2004 survey conducted by AARP found that women are the ones initiating most of the splits by people 40-69.

Obviously there is no simple answer to what causes the millions of breakups and divorces that occur each year. The usual suspects are infidelity, discrepancy over finances, divergent parenting styles, sexual and intimacy problems, communication difficulties, addictions, and abuse. However, those aren’t necessarily the main incentives for departing a gray marriage. Sociologists speculate that the underpinning behind these intriguing new statistics appear to be the boomer’s quest for more satisfaction in their lives. Apparently the “me generation” is electing to venture on their own in search of self-fulfillment.

Yes, we’ve come a long way baby. The boomer generation was the first age group ever to enjoy immense latitude in mate selection. Gone are the days of arranged marriages, of unmarried women being referred to as spinsters, and of divorce being considered immoral. As a result, it seems like a natural chain of events for a woman to leave a marriage should she be unhappy.

Frankly, I’m not at all surprised to read the data supporting a trend I’ve personally experienced. Over the past several years I have witnessed the demise of lengthy marriages affecting clients, close female friends, and relatives. I was moved by their difficulties and incredibly inspired by their strength as they eventually regained their lives. In fact, I was so impressed with what I saw that I set out to share their brave stories with the world by writing a book about it. I wanted to enlighten all women that life doesn’t need to stop when a relationship ends, and most women are extremely content once they have recovered.

Many people feel we are living in times where everything, including marriage, is too easily disposed of. Perhaps that sentiment is valid. Yet keeping a marriage strong and healthy is extremely hard work and it takes time and commitment by both parties. Nonetheless, people are living much longer, and many are reluctant to stay in unhappy marriages for eternity. Also this is the first generation of women who have focused on their career, held jobs, and have built up their confidence to be financially independent. This independence has given them hope and assuaged their fears about being on their own. Today there is more opportunity to date and form new relationships through on line dating, social networking, and the many personal interest options available for single women. Women are no longer aimlessly stuck at home after their children grow up and move away.

No matter what your age, gray or otherwise, the decision to leave a marriage is a significant one that should never be taken lightly. Whether one leaves or is left, divorce is serious business, and the road to full recovery isn’t necessarily an easy one. But that being the case, if a relationship is broken, luckily today women have more options than ever before. We are fortunate to live in a society where we can strike out on our own without the fear of being shunned. That is something to be very grateful for.

Hurrying down the street on a cold day last week, I turned the corner and saw a huge billboard for the upcoming movie, "The Vow." Although I have no idea what the movie is about or what "the vow" actually is, I saw Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum gazing romantically into each other's eyes, as young Hollywood lovers usually do. I interpreted "the vow" as being their wedding vows, and I immediately wondered how my single friends and clients would feel when they stumbled upon this advertisement.

The majority of my divorced clients bemoan how much our society promotes romance and coupling. In most cases, they didn't even notice this phenomenon until their own marriages derailed. In my private practice, I regularly sit with broken-hearted individuals who tell me they are constantly reminded about their exes, and what they "lost" (the benefits of being part of a couple) -- and this feeling is exasperated by the regular bombardment of messages received from the media about love. Case in point: a friend of mine complained to me, "How am I supposed to forget about my ex and feel good about being single when everywhere I turn is a reminder that marriage or being 'in love' is supposed to be the predominant state of happiness and normalcy?"

Sadly, I agree that our society is filled with the messages that at a certain age, singles are peculiar and perplexing, marriage is the preferred state of being, and once you get married, everything will be perfect. The fallout from these perceptions hits single women particularly hard, probably because more of the messages are aimed at women. I regularly hear tales of women being approached by well-meaning friends and relatives (and sometimes strangers) who feel compelled to blurt out phrases like, "You're so pretty; why are you still single?" Or if they are dating, and haven't yet met a new partner, there is a perception that they are doing something wrong. Men tell me that they do get less heat than women about being single, but they also feel that they get less attention and comfort post-divorce because they are supposed to be "strong." A male friend recently said, "People are less apt to rally around us guys. Media often portrays us as 'the cheaters' and we regularly get blamed for failing marriages. "

It's my opinion that the pressure behind these messages often makes people rush into relationships or re-marriage before they are emotionally or psychologically equipped to make good choices. It's for this reason that I was intrigued when a divorced colleague said to me the other day, "Kim Kardashian did us all a huge favor. She proved to the world that when it comes to marriage, it is trouble with a capital T when you allow the 'fantasy' to get in the way of the substance."

Although no one except Kim and Kris know why their extremely short marriage ended, what we do know is that their romance and nuptials happened in the glow of media approval. The wedding itself cost millions of dollars and provided E! with the highest rated TV show in its history. Maybe their TV special should have been aired with a warning statement like, "There is no guarantee that this or any other marriage will last for eternity." Perhaps fine print should also be included: "Statistics show that approximately 50 percent of marriages end in divorce for reasons as diverse as infidelity, financial stressors, parenting differences, and divergent sex drives."

The media should get on board and realize that they aren't doing anyone any favors by promoting perpetual romance. Singles, especially young, never-married ones, need to know that it's perfectly okay to be uncoupled, and that being single isn't a shameful stepping-stone. It can, in fact, be a great source of happiness. Finding the right person takes time. It's a process that simply cannot and should not be rushed. Marriage is about so much more than the wedding, and it concerns me that there is still so much pressure simply to tie the knot. The divorce rate would decrease if people just slowed things down and paid more attention to what they were really thinking and feeling, rather than just wanting to be married at the expense of everything else.

Adjusting to being single after a marriage ends is challenging enough without the constant barrage of hurtful and harmful messages from the media, which are packaged in sitcoms, reality shows, and movies. When you are used to living with someone and sharing most activities with that person, learning how to fill your time and enjoy your own company does take fortitude, patience and practice. But it is entirely possible to recover and to go on to live a wonderful life -- with or without a significant other at your side.

Reprinted from Huffington Post

It's quite astounding how Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook have changed our world over the last decade. Whether you follow the news or not, most are well aware of Facebook's initial public offering. The list continues to expand regarding who will soon become millionaires and billionaires. Many on this list, including Zuckerberg, are brilliant entrepreneurs.

It is widely recognized that people who strive for excellence and succeed share certain traits. Many are type A or have perfectionist personalities. Most have an ability to tolerate high stress and/or exist on little sleep. Some are off-the-charts gifted and highly creative. Many befriend fear and are risk takers. However, there is one important characteristic that most successful people share: the ability to remain extremely focused. Apparently Zuckerberg's success can be partially attributed to this.

There are many excellent lessons I have learned from observing high achievers. When I am counseling folks on the mend from a breakup or divorce, I urge them to stay intensely focused on their recovery. Although this sounds completely logical, in actuality, it can be quite challenging. Most divorces are devastating, and during and after the dissolution of a marriage emotions are undulating in ways that can seem inconceivable and unpredictable. The stress associated with adjusting to a new life can feel insurmountable and unmanageable. And many make the classic (and normal) mistake of overly focusing on their ex instead of focusing on their own care.

Even with a divorce at hand, if you can focus on yourself, the benefits will be way worth it. So let's take a lesson from those who move mountains and commit to focusing your way to a complete recovery.

Five Ways to Focus on Your Recovery:

1. Focus on your healing. Healing from a divorce takes time and really shouldn't be rushed. Focus on taking excellent care of your physical health. Make sure you are eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep. Be careful not to over indulge with food and alcohol. Focus on taking care of your mental health. Be sure to process your emotions -- especially the more complicated ones such as anger, fear, and guilt.

2. Focus on building a support system. Support from a variety of sources will help you in many ways. It will combat loneliness and validate your experience as it provides an audience to talk through your story. Talking equals healing. Don't be shy and do reach out for support from friends, family, colleagues and professionals.

3. Focus on understanding why your relationship ended and what part you played in it. Make a point to comprehend why you picked your ex as your lover, how you behaved during the course of your relationship, and how you mourned your breakup. I call this vitally important exercise "Creating Your Personal Love Map." By doing so, you will acquire astounding information that will raise your emotional intelligence sky high and allow you to participate in healthier and improved relationships going forward.

4. Focus on being an excellent parent and co-parent. Children do best in environments where there is stability. Accept your fate, make peace with your ex, and learn how to co-parent effectively together.

5. Focus on letting go and moving on. Letting go is indisputably one of the hardest things to do after a relationship ends. We tend to hold onto many negative things such as old wounds, anger, and revenge fantasies. Many also hold on to unrealistic hopes of reunification. The sooner you let go of the past the better you will feel. Then you can focus on rebuilding a remarkable life for yourself.

Reprinted from Huffington Post

I think relationships get better with age, and mine certainly has. If I knew in my 20s what I know now, I would have avoided abundant heartache. But that's the journey, and you acquire astounding wisdom in the process. At least I did. This is what I know about love today:

I would never be in a relationship with someone who mistreated me.
Much earlier in my life I spent too much time involved with men who were bad for me on so many levels. Thankfully, one particular breakup was a catalyst for me to wake up and change my ways. I realized I had some issues that needed attending to if I were to ever have a healthy relationship, something I wanted. I threw myself into therapy and made some major modifications in my life. After that, I never let anyone mistreat me again.

You have to love yourself first.
This may sound trite, but it's absolutely true. If you want to be in a healthy relationship (and frankly, why should anyone be in a relationship that isn't healthy?) you have to feel great about yourself. When you love yourself you can create a wonderful life for yourself, and this will give you amazing self-confidence. Then, if you so desire to be in a relationship, you're coming from a place of wholeness and strength. This mindset will attract better caliber men; plus you won't dare get involved in a relationship that isn't in your best interest.

Don't rely on a man to be complete.
I often feel that we women expect too much from our love relationships. It helps to understand from the start that women and men are fundamentally different. We think differently, we emote differently, we play differently. Your boyfriend or husband won't necessarily "complete you" or be your best friend, and that's perfectly okay. Love, friendship, and emotional wholeness can (and should) come from a variety of sources. If you put it all on him he's bound to disappoint, and then you may lose a relationship that has great potential.

Be clear about monogamy.
Being in a relationship carries many different definitions and implications, yet the desire that your partner remain sexually faithful seems to be nearly universal. Yet, remaining monogamous, especially in long relationships, is indeed a challenge. If you want to be in a monogamous relationship, do all that you can to make sure that you remain faithful to your partner. In turn, if you desire that your partner remain faithful to you, make that clear to him. Aim to have open dialogues around this hot button issue, such as saying to your partner, "What will we do if we find ourselves attracted to others at some point in time?" Although these conversations can initially feel awkward, they are easier than dealing with the devastation of an affair.

Be careful with nagging.
My grandmother and mother were world class nags, and from time to time, I'm embarrassed to admit, I find myself behaving just like them. Nagging is a relationship killer. More women nag than men, and it's a problem. Nagging generally stems from feeling like we're not heard, so we repeat ourselves again, and again. Men hate nagging, so try not to do it. Find a more effective way to communicate your feelings to your partner. My nagging has definitely improved over time. I hope my husband agrees!

Express gratitude and say thank you.
This is a huge lesson I'm happy to share with others. Many of us take our relationships for granted and that is a huge mistake. We all like to feel valued and appreciated. I try to say thank you to my husband every day. I am grateful that he makes a sandwich for me when I go to my office, and I always thank him for that. John Gottman, a fabulous couple's researcher, claims that a healthy couple needs five positive interactions to one negative interaction. Saying thank you is certainly positive.

Give it up. Say yes to sex.
Just like everything else in life, your sex drive and your sex life will have ups and downs. That is perfectly normal. However, a huge mistake that many long-term couples make is to get lazy with sex. Sex can help keep a relationship stay alive and the lack of sex can burn it out. If you can see your partner as a source of pleasure, that is very positive. It's important to have sex, and even better to have great sex. Do your part to feel sexy and stay sexy. I work out six to seven days a week. I'm 52 years old, and I still feel extremely sexy.

Take responsibility.
This was a hard lesson for me to learn. When I was younger I would get defensive if a lover accused me of something I did or said that upset him. I had to always be right or to get my say in. Eventually I realized that my behavior was ineffectual. I came to understand that I had a hard time being open to my flaws because I was criticized often during my upbringing. None of us are perfect in our relationships. We are all evolving and changing, and to err is perfectly human. When someone we love points out a behavior that needs changing, that's a tremendous opportunity for us to grow. You should say thank you to that person.

If you are afraid of your partner, that is not love.
Even today, with all we know about healthy relationships, too many women get involved in emotionally and physically abusive ones. If you are involved with someone who threatens, yells, calls you names, forces you to have sex, and physically harms you, even once, get out, and then get some help for yourself.

There is no place for suspicion or jealousy in a relationship.
Healthy relationships are built on honesty and mutual trust. If someone is behaving controlling or is untrusting in a relationship, the root causes of that behavior is generally buried deep within. More often than not it originates with having a parent who wasn't trustworthy. It's important to acknowledge if you are behaving this way (or if you are dating someone who is) so you can get to work making the self-repair. People who are confident and have good self-worth are not jealous at all. Relationships where jealousy leads the way are doomed to fail.

With all the celebrity breakups lately, many of us are debating, deliberating, and calculating the numerous reasons marriages fail. We all speculate whether it's the usual suspects such as infidelity, discrepancy over finances, midlife crisis, or growing apart that leads to the majority of splits.

Obviously there is no simple answer to what causes the millions of breakups and divorces -- both Hollywood and pedestrian -- that occur every year. In actuality, there are hundreds of reasons why relationships end, and everyone has a unique story to tell. But researchers do point to five unexpected behaviors that if repeated over time, can cause permanent damage to any couple's love bond.

Engaging in these five behaviors can sink a marriage:

1) Nagging: Nagging is a frustrating dance that many of us fall prey to. It can be defined as one partner repeatedly making requests to the other, who regularly ignores it. The Wall Street Journal calls this type of communication "toxic", and experts say it can eventually sink a relationship. When repeated nagging occurs, I call it a "Death by 1000 Paper Cuts". Men and women both nag, but apparently women do it more. Nagging can be potentially as dangerous to a marriage as infidelity.

2) Criticism: Repeatedly attacking your partner's personality or character rather than focusing on the actual behavior that bothers you and discussing it in a mature and effective manner.

3) Contempt: Attacking your partner's sense of self with the intention of causing harm. Openly disrespecting him or her. This includes name calling and cursing, hostile behavior or body language (such as eye rolling), and putting your partner down.

4) Defensiveness: Needing to defend yourself whenever you perceive your partner criticizing you. Always disagreeing with what he or she is saying, or rebutting with a complaint of your own.

5) Stonewalling: Withdrawing from the conversation or the relationship. Refusing to discuss something or physically disappearing. Holding a grudge or feeling resentful towards your partner for several days, or weeks.

Psychologist John Gottman studied over 1000 married couples and claims that when the last four behaviors are present in a marriage, there is a 94 percent chance that the relationship will fail.

As a trained relationship therapist, I can generally spot these behaviors from a mile away. Interestingly, many people are completely unaware they are even engaging in the behaviors to begin with, let alone comprehending the damage they do. Although many people (including me) have engaged in one or more of these behaviors from time to time, repeated use will cause one or both partners to feel frustration, anger, fear, hurt, sadness, and alienation.

All couples have arguments, and that is perfectly normal. It's not necessarily the conflict per se that sinks a relationship -- it's how the disagreement or the communication is handled. When conflicts are poorly handled and these five behaviors are involved, it has the potential to cause a great deal of damage to the relationship and to the individuals.

If you feel that during your marriage you participated in any of these behaviors, you'll do yourself a world of good to admit the part you played and work towards examining where the behavior originated. Many of the answers will come from how you were raised and how your parents behaved with each other and with you. It's hard and painful work, but honest self-examination will always lead towards profound growth.

I believe that in order to fully recover in a healthy way from a divorce, everyone needs to take some accountability. Although no one can turn back the clock, there is always ample opportunity to work on changing these behaviors if they infiltrated your relationship. Doing so will enable you to enhance all relationships -- not just romantic ones -- in the future.

It seems like everyone is discussing the concept of open marriages this week after Marianne Gingrich, the second wife of GOP presidential candidate Newt Gingrich, claimed in an ABC News "Nightline" interview that her ex asked her to enter into an "open marriage" arrangement so he could continue to see his affair partner, Callista Bisek. Apparently Mrs. Gingrich said no, and now we all know some fun facts about why that marriage ended.

Many of my friends and clients wanted to talk to me about open marriages since this scandal broke. They wanted to know if I'd ever worked with couples exploring this arrangement and if open marriages can ever succeed. Some asked in earnest, yet others simply wanted salacious details. Several joked that they wouldn't mind exploring that option themselves. Nevertheless, the intrigue was there.

I can certainly understand the vast interest in this topic. The divorce rate remains high and a large percentage of marriages do end over infidelity. And even those who are happily wed grapple with the concept of lifelong monogamy. Monogamy in itself is also a hot topic as of late. Journalists and bloggers regularly speculate on whether or not it is human nature to mate for life. And the scientific community is putting more research into the study of pair bonds while speculating if humans are designed to be sexually monogamous.

In some relationships, a husband or wife may ask their partner if they would consent to an open marriage. More often than not, requesting an open marriage means that the inquiring partner is interested in having an affair or continuing on with an affair. They are torn between the excitement of an affair and the comfort and security of their marriage, which they don't want to give up. Also, they may wish to cover their bases; if the affair doesn't pan out (and most don't), they want their spouse to be available to continue forward with the marriage. In other words, they want to have their cake and eat it too.

When the "faithful" spouse is presented with this situation -- once they've picked themselves up off the floor and put the revolver back in its case -- they will generally not agree to the proposal. In a few cases that I've seen, the faithful will temporarily allow the arrangement merely as a tactic to "win" back the estranged partner. This generally backfires, which either causes the broken marriage to end, or it makes reunification (if it's on the table) even more challenging than it would be if the couple was on the mend from say a "regular" affair.

I have worked with couples who endeavor to have an open marriage either from the inception, or later on in their relationship. I entertain no judgment when such couples seek counseling. When there is agreement in place, to each his own. I try to help these couples communicate with each other as to why they are interested in this sort of arrangement, and, equally as important, to guide them to set up "rules." Once the conversations get going I often find that many of these couples really don't want to go this route, but they are having a hard time communicating their sexual or emotional needs to each other. And when those needs are in place, the desire to seek sex from another is often alleviated.

Other couples have sought my guidance after attempting to have an open relationship. By the time they get into my office, all hell has usually broken lose. Several years ago I worked with a couple who agreed to an open relationship shortly after they began dating. Alan*, with two divorces behind him, had explained to Selina* that he was not monogamous by nature, and that he would only go forward with marriage if she agreed that they could both have clandestine external sex lives. Although she readily agreed, it did not work out as intended. They began to regularly spy on and lie to each other. By the time they came to see me, rampant jealousy had poisoned their connection. No rules had been put into place, and with lax boundaries, they both had slept with others in their large circle of friends. In our sessions I inquired as to why Alan felt he couldn't be monogamous, and what eventually came to light was that he had an overwhelming need to have attention paid to him by a variety of women. This desire was rooted deep into his past, yet he didn't have much interest to explore its origins and make repairs. The relationship ended with both parties feeling completely betrayed.

So back to that illustrious initial question: do open marriages work? My answer is no, they generally don't. Open relationships are simply too tricky to navigate and one or both parties end up getting badly burned.

Discussions about sex and fidelity continue to be a hard topic for many couples to navigate. Yet it's one that cannot and should not be avoided. It would do the institution of marriage a world of good if couples were to take the time while dating to seriously contemplate these matters. If done correctly, it will serve as a model to talk about sex throughout the duration of a marriage. Couples who are able to converse fluently about difficult topics stand a fighting chance that when the going gets tough in a relationship -- and it always will -- words can solve problems. And from my perspective, a dialogue is always a healthier and better place to turn to than an affair.

*Please note that all names in this post have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

It started our innocently enough. Brian had been divorced for three years when he filled out the cumbersome eHarmony profile. Looking through all the profiles on other dating sites was daunting, so he decided to let a computer do the mate selection for him. He had a good feeling about this, and as luck would have it, his instincts were on target. Among the matches eHarmony's algorithms presented him with, he discovered Angie, a beautiful and intelligent woman who shared many of his passions. However, the match had an unexpected complication: Angie had been married to a long-ago friend of Brian's. Nevertheless, Brian thought about it and decided to contact Angie anyway. After some initial hesitation for the same reason, Angie agreed to go out with him, and their first date led to a delightful courtship that culminated in marriage. Although the couple couldn't be happier today, they pissed off a few folks along the way. Apparently Angie's divorce was not an amicable one, and her ex was infuriated with both of them.

After hearing this story (and numerous others like it), I thought about Brian and Angie's situation,

and my deliberation led me to flesh out the question "Is it ever okay after a divorce to date a friend's ex?" It's a complicated issue, and every situation is different, but I do have some insights and thoughts I'd like to share.

There is a good chance that when you start dating, no matter where you live, you will come across some potential candidates that you are already acquainted with. People you know might pleasantly surprise you by asking you out. And some of those folks may have previously been wed to a person you are familiar or even friendly with.

In a small town, there is a strong possibility that you know many of the divorced singles living there already. That being the case, there is a high probability that you may be asked out by someone who was once married to a friend, acquaintance, colleague, or even a relative. Or, on the other hand, you might be the one doing the asking out. While this might make for some awkward conversation in the beginning, it doesn't have to be a deal-breaker.

The same thing can happen even if you live in a large city. Several of my divorced friends in New York City, where I live, described to me that over the years they have been matched up (through introductions, internet dating sites, and serendipity) with potential partners who were once married to someone they knew. A woman I'm acquainted with is happily married to the ex husband of a former friend of hers. She told me that she met him and his wife because their children once attended the same school. She ran into him at a political event years later when they were both divorced. They started dating shortly thereafter.

None of this sounds awful or insurmountable, right? I believe that life does not have to end with a divorce, and if you want to fall in love again, you can. So what happens if the person you are interested in dating, or are falling in love with, was formerly married to a friend? How do you negotiate these potentially rocky waters?

Hypothetically these couplings could work out very well if you proceed with extreme caution and follow some guidelines.

First, I suggest assessing the quality of the friendship you currently have with the person's ex. In my opinion, the exes of best friends or really good friends are completely off limits. Use your moral compass to guide you. Why cause pain to someone you care about and who cares about you in return? Good friendships are sacrosanct. No one needs this level of drama; life is complex enough.

I also suggest honestly asking yourself, "How would I feel if a friend of mine was dating my ex?" In other words, where would you feel comfortable having the line drawn? I asked quite a few people this question, and most said they would be okay if their ex was dating an acquaintance. Everyone said they'd be terribly upset if it was a good friend. One person figuratively commented, "It's okay if someone near my home dated my ex, but not too close to home." I think this sentiment makes a lot of sense.

Now that we've established that it is not okay to date the ex of a best or even good friend, let's discuss acquaintances. If you've decided after careful deliberation that it is okay to date the ex of an acquaintance, move forward with care. Please remember that feelings can easily be hurt on all sides. Consider taking the high road by addressing the situation directly with the acquaintance prior to getting involved with their ex. (As well as, obviously, addressing the situation directly with the person you want to be dating.)

In the case of Brian and Angie, Brian did call his old friend to communicate his intentions. In their particular circumstances, Angie had been divorced for five years and Brian had not spoken to his old friend in over a decade. The men had been colleagues once, but that was many years back. Still, after weighing the costs versus the benefits, Brian decided calling was the "right thing to do." The conversation didn't go particularly well, but Brian had prepared himself and decided that he was willing to risk the possible social backlash by getting involved with Angie. I think if you give someone the respect of contacting them, no matter what their reaction is, you could feel that you did the appropriate thing, and that may ease your journey.

Probably the cleanest and least complex scenario is that you date someone where there is no crossover of social circles. But in today's E-world, there is a good chance that you may run into someone that you'd like to date and you happen to know their ex. At least now you'll be prepared.

Please note that all names in this post have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

Many people I'm acquainted with were doing a fabulous job cleaning up and putting their house in order in anticipation of the New Year. In the homes I visited, both literally and through tales that were told, grand-scale transformation was commencing. Gifts were put away, luggage was unpacked, trees and menorahs were taken down, and diets and juice cleanses were underway. But that's not the clean up I'm speaking of. What I observed was people mindfully reflecting on their relationships with their exes and considering how to improve them in 2012.

Over the holidays I witnessed couples who were previously acrimonious (some for numerous years) starting to converse and interact in a friendlier manner. I attended a holiday dinner where my host introduced me to her brother, Jonathan, and then, without batting an eye, to both of his wives -- the current, and the ex (who was there along with her new husband). Jonathan and his first wife were very pleasant toward each other. Evidently they were overjoyed to be spending Christmas together along with their two daughters and young grandchildren. I was told that it hadn't always been this way.

Several days later across town at a New Year's gathering, I was surprised to see my friend Allie's ex husband arrive at her home for a glass of champagne. She explained to me that she felt it would be gracious to invite him to stop by for a toast, and apparently he felt comfortable enough to drop in. I couldn't help but notice how happy her kids were to see mom and dad together, smiling and being civil toward each other.

A time zone away, my client David telephoned his ex wife and suggested they meet as a family for lunch to celebrate their son's admittance to college. He commented to me, "This is such a happy occasion, plus it's the New Year. Why shouldn't we be able to put our differences behind us and occasionally break bread together?" She agreed, and for the first time in years, they sat at the same table and celebrated their son.

I was pleased to hear these stories and others that were similar in nature. Tales of people who had deliberately decided to let go of the past, forgive their exes, and work toward a respectful coexistence. Several I spoke with on this topic explained to me that the choice to forgive was not only beneficial to their children; it was valuable to them as well. One woman without children remarked, "The day I let go of my rancor and considered the concept of forgiveness was the day I really started to heal and experience peace in my life." Another moving comment I heard was from a man who was currently en route to forgiving himself, which can be as important as forgiving another. He said, "I'm just coming to grips with the pain I caused my ex and others I care about during my divorce. Maybe if I can forgive myself I can work toward making amends."

Believe me, I understand how difficult it is to let go of complex feelings to forgive an ex. There is a good possibility that no matter how your relationship ended, you endured plenty of distress in the process. Most divorces are messy affairs that cause significant pain and suffering along the way. And I fully recognize that forgiveness may be extremely difficult to consider if your marriage ended with deception or with any degree of mental or physical cruelty.

In my opinion, forgiveness is a conscience decision to let go of unpleasant or disturbing feelings about your ex. It's about releasing the fury and the resentment. It's about reaching deep into your soul and discovering some degree of empathy, or even better, understanding for the person who caused you pain. This doesn't mean you have to exonerate what he or she did to you -- but it's about being able to look past those transgressions and say, "Yes I can forgive this person for being imperfect." Believe me, uttering these words can release you and help you get on with your life in a more positive way.

So please consider reflecting on the topic of forgiveness while writing your 2012 resolutions. There is an excellent chance that by doing so you'll be able to enjoy a healthier state of mind in the New Year.

*Please note that all names in this post have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

Rachel's Post  in the Divorce Section of the Huffington Post, 12/20/2011

My client Mark* proudly announced to me the other day that he was actively dating on Match.com. When my facial expression changed from a grin to a grimace, he clearly was perplexed. "I thought you'd be happy for me, Rachel. I'm tired of feeling lousy. Dating puts me in 'active' mode and gives me something to do. Isn't that a good thing?"

Several times zones away from Mark, Tara* was animated when she phoned me last week. She had just completed three dates and had several new ones lined up. "It's hard to keep track of all of them, so I'm keeping notes to make sure I won't mess up their names. This sure beats sitting home and sobbing."

I am generally thrilled when my divorced clients make the decision to date again. I firmly believe that life does not have to end when a marriage falls apart, and with dedicated psychological work plus the passage of time, anyone can fully recover and love again.

Mark and Tara are wonderful people, both kind and intelligent, yet I find their philosophy typical of a large percentage of folks in their predicament. Nevertheless, it is a flawed philosophy, and they have no business dating at this phase in their recovery. You see, both of their marriages ended only a few months ago. They are both still in significant pain, they don't understand why their ex partners exited their marriages, or what part they played in its demise. They have not committed to my three phase building-block progression for recovery (Healing, Understanding and Transformation). They are lonely and scared about their future, perfectly normal feelings to have during a separation, yet they surmise that dating is exactly the tonic they need to move past their distress.

Although counterintuitive to most, I encourage my clients and especially the men in my practice, to witness their emotions and embrace their feelings. There are many good reasons to do this. Getting in touch with your feelings will help you process your loss. If you don't take the time to experience your grief, there is a good chance you will never fully understand why you picked your mate and why the relationship ended as it did. And if you can't comprehend those factors, you may be setting yourself up to choose similar partners and regrettably, have similar outcomes in the future. Once you commit to doing this valuable psychological work, as opposed to running from your feelings, your recovery will actually accelerate.

I fully get it that most of us are uncomfortable sitting with unsettling feelings or reaching out for support. Even today in 2011, men are not acculturated to admit weakness or to be passive. They are wired to be solution-focused and competitive. Women, on the other hand, have a need to have intimate connections, and can feel very disjointed when not coupled. For these and other reasons such as a desire to boost self-esteem, a need to get back at an ex, attempting to overcome loneliness, and the yearning to have sex, it is tempting to attempt to date as soon as possible to fill a void. In my estimation, these are never the right reasons to date.

I'm here to beg you if you're in this situation, not to jump the proverbial gun. Dating before you are mentally ready is simply a Band-Aid, plus it's risky. If you're not putting your best self out there, there is a good chance you will attract the wrong type of partner, and the last thing you need right now is a fresh set of problems or a brand new breakup. Also, many people, and particularly women, especially on legitimate dating sites, are looking for a relationship, and it drives them nuts when they discover their date is newly separated and not ready for a real connection let alone a commitment. This can become a complicated stew resulting in deception, confusion, and hurt feelings all around. If you take the time to heal and work on yourself, you'll be in a much better position to date in the future. You'll be over your ex, more confident, more self-aware, and you'll know exactly what type of partner and relationship you're looking for. Aren't these worthwhile reasons to delay the dating?

Until then, there are so many positive things you can do to keep yourself busy and engaged in the world. The best way to build or renew confidence is to engage in activities that are interesting, noble, and worthwhile. You can create new or strengthen old friendships. Pleased don't be afraid to speak to your friends or a therapist about your breakup. The more you talk, the quicker you will heal. You can tackle mental and/or physical hobbies such as taking a class or joining a sports team. You can travel on your own to someplace you've never been before. Challenging yourself to go beyond your comfort zone will make you feel terrific.

If you take time to breathe, process the end of your relationship, and strive towards your mental repair, you're going to be an amazing dater when you get back out there. So consider temporarily taking down your dating profile and giving yourself the gift of a healthy recovery. I promise you the rewards are worth the work.

*Please note that all names in this post have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

I met my friend for coffee the other day. Samantha’s* 25 year marriage ended in divorce several years ago, and after a prolonged recovery period, she is making great strides in her newly rebuilt life.

We simultaneously arrived at our destination and after a brief greeting she turned to me with a worried look and announced, “I had the most realistic dream about Brian last night. It really freaked me out. It’s been five years already – why am I still dreaming about him?”

This is a question that is regularly posed to me by friends and clients during and after a breakup or divorce.

It’s been over a century since Sigmund Freud introduced his theory on dreams. According to Freud and his contemporaries, dreams represented buried traumas or “neurosis” in our subconscious, which required prolonged therapy in order to analyze and ultimately resolve them.

Today it is speculated that dreams may represent many things, but they can also be fantasy, fiction, and fun; ergo the saying about that cigar.

It is completely normal to dream about an ex – and most people do. It is unrealistic to think that someone we once cared deeply about, and who took up a great deal of space in our lives, hearts and minds will be erased once the divorce papers are signed. Yet dreaming about an ex can undoubtedly be disturbing – especially if there are unresolved issues and feelings, or if there was minimal closure during the ending. I’ve had numerous clients express to me their acute feelings of anguish, shock, fear, guilt and rage after awakening from a realistic dream. This unsettling experience can make you question your reality, your choices, and even worse, agonize that your recovery is in jeopardy.

On occasion these dreams will represent something substantial regarding your ex and your split. If that is the case, it is prudent to spend some time contemplating the meaning of your dream, or what you think the dream represents. The reason being is that it is nearly impossible to reach a meaningful, healthy and full recovery from your divorce without a thorough and honest understanding of your personal circumstances and narrative. And at times, a dream may help you fill in some missing gaps, and that is actually a very good thing.

If your breakup is a recent occurrence, there is a good possibility that your ex will make nocturnal visits a bit more than you will like. Try not to get too rattled and try to make peace with that fact. And if you’ve been divorced for several years and find that you are having a spell of frequent dreams, perhaps there is something happening in your current life that is triggering these dreams.

After discussing my friend Samantha’s dream, we were able to make some astute conclusions. It was her ex’s weekend to have their children in his home. Plus, it was Halloween, and she was worried that her teenage sons wouldn’t receive proper supervision. After she realized this, she decided to call her former husband (calmly and rationally) to discuss her concerns, and the conversation assuaged her fears. Since then, there have been no dreams about Brian.

Here are some suggestions to help you turn your dreams (and occasional nightmares) into interesting insights:

• Take a moment to gather your bearings and tell yourself that you have just had a dream, and although realistic, it is a fantasy in your mind, and you are safe.

• Remind yourself that dreaming about your ex, although unsettling, is completely normal, and remember that you are not alone.

• If you are keeping a journal (something I highly recommend to anyone grappling with the ending of a marriage) try to recall the details of the dream. Write down what you remember. Even a few bullet points will be helpful. If don’t recall much, write down what you were feeling when you awoke.

• Review your notes at a later date. Perhaps there is material there worth examining? If so, please do.

Alternatively, not all dreams have significance. If you’ve reviewed your dream and determined it was simply an old memory, or not particularly representative of anything at all, let sleeping dogs lie.

As much as we may wish to erase memories of our ex from our brains (both good and bad), it’s simply not possible. Our exes were once a vital part of our lives, and our recollections and feelings, even when we think they have been processed and released, will surface periodically. So try to accept and even expect an unforeseen nocturnal visit from time to time. Once you make peace with that concept, chances are you will have sweet dreams.

*Please note that all names in this post have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.